Action Park Ranking!
Ranked on how much I would ride them if you offer me 1 million USD
I was born and raised in the US of A and we got a lot of stuff here! Some of the best stuff we have are our amusement parks, and the greatest of them all was Action Park. Well, it was the greatest if you're measuring it by its kill count. No other park has more injuries and deaths than this place. One nickname for it was "Class Action Park" and this article will show you why!
I will be ranking these rides based on how much I would be willing to ride them, as long as someone drives me to the hospital AND gives me a nice 1 million (for the hospital bills of course)!
NUMBER 10
Snapple Snap-Up Whipper Snapper Ride
With a name like that, you think it would be more exciting, but it doesn't even have any listed injuries! A bungee jumping ride that prevents you from actually bouncing back up so you just kinda awkwardly flail around in the air. I'm saying this as someone with a fear of heights, this sounds so BORING. I could just jump on my bed and probably have more fun. Just give me my 1 million and push me off!
NUMBER 9
Family fun!
Battle Action Tanks
Man, after reading about how employees in this attraction were treated, I want to give THEM 1 million just for working there. Being pelted with tennis balls sounds like hell, and I would feel bad, but I guess I could do it for 1 million...but perhaps the joy from driving a mini tank will make me forget about human suffering if only for a while.
NUMBER 8
Sling Shot
I complained too much about the Snapple Snap-Up Whipper Snapper Ride and now its older cooler brother Sling Shot is here to beat me up and give me whiplash. I'm sure as I feel my neck nearly snap for the 5th time as I bounce up and down, I will be comforted by thought that after all of this I will be a millionaire. Maybe even a billionaire after I sue this park.
NUMBER 7
The Tidal Wave Pool
Pictured: Weakest wave at Action Park
Reading any stories about this makes it sound like less of a wave pool and more like a new layer of hell. I can imagine Dante standing on the edge of the pool and narrating about all the damned souls he sees continuously crashing into each other over and over again. But while Dante is writing his bible self-insert fanfic, I'm jumping into that pool and I'm screaming "CANONBALL!" before jumping into a giant wave that carries me off into a blue chlorine abyss.
NUMBER 6
The Skateboard Park
I do not skate. I do not know how to skate. But for 1 million? Oh, sure I can try. I would only be as injured as every other skater at this park, so I'm fine with it!
NUMBER 5
Alpine Slide
Famous for people constantly going over the rails, this slide is being held together by chewed gum and dollar store tape. You're not just giving me 1 million for the ride you're also giving me another million just to ride the chairlift to the top. You will then be carrying me back to the car and to the nearest therapist.
NUMBER 4
Super Go Karts
Real footage of this attraction
Employees would tamper with these karts to allow them to go even faster. Which sounds perfect! They could go up to 50 MPH and combine that with the drunk teens at the park, this sounds like it’s gonna be a fun time. Make sure that 1 million is sent straight to whatever EMT is picking me up, ok?
NUMBER 3
WELCOME TO SPEEDBOATS
Super Speedboats
You think the boats are what’s dangerous here? No, it’s the snake infested pond. Now, I like snakes I think they can be pretty cute. But if I feel into water and was swarmed by snakes I don't think I would be the same person when I emerged. This actually reminds me of the time at summer camp when I was in a canoe with two other kids who were arguing with each other. One of them got mad enough that they threatened to flip the canoe and began rocking it back and forth. We made it back though...should've gotten a million just for dealing with that!
NUMBER 2
Cannonball Loop
Probably one of the most famous rides ever. Just from looking at the image you can see what’s wrong with this thing. But to really explain what’s wrong with this let me explain what a g is. A g is the unit of measurement for gravitational force and its used mostly by roller coaster designers when they're trying to figure out how to not make their rides not kill someone. Now most rides get up to about 4 gs but typically stay at around 3 gs. An aviator will be trained to handle 9 gs as the operate an aircraft meant for war. Little Timmy went to Action Park and also experienced a nice 9 gs. You can pay me 1 million to get on this ride, but will you be able to pay me 1 million to ever leave my house again after I've survived the Cannonball Loop?
NUMBER 1
Pictured: NOT a torture device
Bailey Ball
Oh, what could've been...
See, this ride was made and there was a fun test ride but sadly it was never open to the public. But let me explain the test ride they did. A man was place into a giant metal ball and rolled down a track... and he kept rolling right through a parking lot, over a highway and straight into a swamp. Now apparently, the inspector considers this a failure for some reason??? So, it was never opened to the public. But I would ride it. I would use the 1 million to buy that ride for myself and I would ride it every day!
Bailey Ball, Action Park didn't deserve you and I hope one day a better park buys you and brings you back to unleash your rolling terror onto the world!